September  25th.  2010
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MacheteDirectors:  Robert Rodriguez and Ethan ManiquisActors:  Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, and plenty more! Intrigue:  When i first heard that Robert Rodriguez was directing an action movie involving the word Machete in the title, I stood there and laughed to myself saying, “Wow, this movie is going to be insanely over the top, but I am still going to love it.”  On top of him directing, the cast ensemble is a little bit out of left field.  Danny Trejo never is the star, De Niro not the main star, further more, he plays the bad guy, Alba is either hit or miss in movies, errr…mainly hit in Sin City and miss in anything else, Seagal, well i did not know he still acted, and Lindsey Lohan is herself in the movie!!!!  I am giving this movie a solid 13 points, the minuses coming from Lohan and the uncertainties the cast brought to the table (Trejo’s big role, Alba being the main lady, and De Niro playing the bad guy) Action: Have you ever seen Rodriguez’s films?  Let’s just say that this film was supposed to have action even in the slow scenes, and classic Rodriguez did not disappoint.  Starting from the opening scene the action was completely over the top and awesome.  The number of amazing action scenes in this movie is incredible, second to Clive Owen’s Shoot ‘Em Up, but to Machete’s defense, this actually had a better plot.  Carrying on though, the fact that Trejo kills numerous people with a machete is deserving of the full 15 points here, everything else is just an added bonus. Summation:  A pretty basic movie ending to an action movie, protagonist is involved in big fight scene, bad guys are confronted and defeated, protagonist gets girl.  11 points here for the average summation, the one extra is for how the exit happened, it was kind of hawt if you know what I mean. Acting:  Oh gosh, the acting in this movie was horrid and that is predictable, but at least in Shoot ‘Em Up Owen is a good actor.  Anyways Trejo, Alba, Michelle Rod, Seagal, and numerous others (including one of the Spy Kids) are all terrible actors.  De Niro saved some grace along with Cheech Martin, who plays Trejo’s brother and priest.  9 points here for the terrible acting. Directing:  This was not his best work, but it was not his worst work.  I was entertained the whole movie and at the end of the day I was glad I watched the movie, so I say job well done.  13 points. Special Effects:  The effects here were good, no deductions.  5 points. Misc.:  10 points.  The scoring for this category is based on all the hot girls we get to see naked, including a very hot latina women in the opening credits and Lohan actually surprised me by how good she looks.  (quick sidenote-Lohan was in a recent issue of Maxim and she had one of the hottest spreads that i have seen, and I have been getting them for over 7 years now) Final:  76 points.  This was a good film to see.  Definitely a man’s movie, not for a date one bit.  My room mate actually brought his gf and lets just say he has to go see Going the Distance now for that, and that is not going to be a fair trade off because that movie looks horrid.  But if you are ever just bored and want some cheap laughs, this is the perfect movie for you, if you want an oscar movie, well, you are SOL.

Machete
Directors:  Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis
Actors:  Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, and plenty more!

Intrigue:  When i first heard that Robert Rodriguez was directing an action movie involving the word Machete in the title, I stood there and laughed to myself saying, “Wow, this movie is going to be insanely over the top, but I am still going to love it.”  On top of him directing, the cast ensemble is a little bit out of left field.  Danny Trejo never is the star, De Niro not the main star, further more, he plays the bad guy, Alba is either hit or miss in movies, errr…mainly hit in Sin City and miss in anything else, Seagal, well i did not know he still acted, and Lindsey Lohan is herself in the movie!!!!  I am giving this movie a solid 13 points, the minuses coming from Lohan and the uncertainties the cast brought to the table (Trejo’s big role, Alba being the main lady, and De Niro playing the bad guy)

Action: Have you ever seen Rodriguez’s films?  Let’s just say that this film was supposed to have action even in the slow scenes, and classic Rodriguez did not disappoint.  Starting from the opening scene the action was completely over the top and awesome.  The number of amazing action scenes in this movie is incredible, second to Clive Owen’s Shoot ‘Em Up, but to Machete’s defense, this actually had a better plot.  Carrying on though, the fact that Trejo kills numerous people with a machete is deserving of the full 15 points here, everything else is just an added bonus.

Summation:  A pretty basic movie ending to an action movie, protagonist is involved in big fight scene, bad guys are confronted and defeated, protagonist gets girl.  11 points here for the average summation, the one extra is for how the exit happened, it was kind of hawt if you know what I mean.

Acting:  Oh gosh, the acting in this movie was horrid and that is predictable, but at least in Shoot ‘Em Up Owen is a good actor.  Anyways Trejo, Alba, Michelle Rod, Seagal, and numerous others (including one of the Spy Kids) are all terrible actors.  De Niro saved some grace along with Cheech Martin, who plays Trejo’s brother and priest.  9 points here for the terrible acting.

Directing:  This was not his best work, but it was not his worst work.  I was entertained the whole movie and at the end of the day I was glad I watched the movie, so I say job well done.  13 points.

Special Effects:  The effects here were good, no deductions.  5 points.

Misc.:  10 points.  The scoring for this category is based on all the hot girls we get to see naked, including a very hot latina women in the opening credits and Lohan actually surprised me by how good she looks.  (quick sidenote-Lohan was in a recent issue of Maxim and she had one of the hottest spreads that i have seen, and I have been getting them for over 7 years now)

Final:  76 points.  This was a good film to see.  Definitely a man’s movie, not for a date one bit.  My room mate actually brought his gf and lets just say he has to go see Going the Distance now for that, and that is not going to be a fair trade off because that movie looks horrid.  But if you are ever just bored and want some cheap laughs, this is the perfect movie for you, if you want an oscar movie, well, you are SOL.